


The Difference

by jeweldancer



Series: Cas and Dean [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Mention of past abusive behavior toward Dean from his father
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-23 03:51:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4861991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeweldancer/pseuds/jeweldancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas and Dean think about how their lives have changed since they met each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Difference

**Author's Note:**

> So I had planned out the next two installments for my Castiel/Dean AU in my mind, but when I sat down to write, this happened instead. I hope you like it, and more lengthy installments will come soon. Thanks for reading, guys!

Things were different now, Cas thought.

Cas could barely wrap his mind around all the things Dean meant to him: safety, understanding, a sweetness that had never been in his life before. Dean was strong arms holding him, gentle hands touching him, beautiful lips kissing him. 

Dean was slowly easing the rough spots out of Cas's life. Now he didn't have to worry so much about every tiny thing, every minute. If he was sick, Dean would care for him tenderly. If he was anxious, Dean would wrap him in his arms and talk to him calmly until he felt better. If Cas was afraid, Dean held his hand and stood beside him. The often-present, sickening fear that Cas felt about so many things would never be gone, but it was slowly lessening.

Cas's life had not been bad. He was lucky in many ways. But he had always been consumed by loneliness. He was not the kind of person who had people he could call for support. He had never been anyone's best friend, or favorite person. Some people had liked him, but he was always so far down on their list. There was no one to make him feel that he truly mattered, that he would be missed if suddenly gone.

Even touch had been a luxury previously denied him. Sometimes he had lain in bed at night, thinking of how wonderful it would be to have someone smooth his hair, or rub his back. As time went on, it became more and more painful to watch the casual physical interactions of others--how easily they held hands, hugged each other. On the rare occasions he saw his family these days, Gabriel would pat him briskly on the back, and Anna would embrace him, but that was all. Otherwise, he was alone.

Castiel had given up. Affection, close friendship, and love were things that he would never have. But now there was Dean, who seemed determined to make up for lost time with thoughtful gestures and kind words. Beautiful Dean, who cared for Castiel, who said that he loved him. How could such a thing be? 

And along with Dean, other good things had come. There were now other people who cared for Cas; people he could call friends. Sam and Jess were amazing, and Charlie was a constant source of happiness. 

At first, Cas was sure that such a good thing wouldn't last. His instincts screamed at him to get away, to avoid the crushing hurt that would surely come. But Cas had decided that no matter what followed, he would take what Dean would give, and he would give back all the affection and tenderness that Dean would allow. For however short a time that Dean was interested in him, he would truly live. 

Dean had come into his life like the sun, bringing warmth, light, and beauty. But instead of leaving Cas in the dark, Dean had stayed. And slowly, the broken pieces of Castiel had started to mend themselves together. Dean had helped him become a better and stronger person, and he was determined to make his life matter. He would try to help others. He would create art that he loved. And he would make Dean as happy as he possibly could. 

 

Things were different now, Dean thought.

Dean didn't lack friends or companions, but no one knew the real Dean. He always had to hide his true self. Even with Sammy, his brother and best friend, Dean couldn't show any weakness. He'd always had to be the strong one, the responsible one, the guy that everyone leaned on. 

When their mom had died and their dad had fallen apart, Dean had quietly grown up overnight. He made sure Sam had enough to eat, no matter what he had to do, even if he had to steal food or go hungry himself. He made sure Sam's clothes were clean and mended, and his homework done, so that no teacher or neighbor would suspect anything was amiss at their home. Most importantly, he'd shielded Sammy from the rougher parts of their life. Dean had taken the brunt of his father's abuse, and not breathed a word of it to anyone. Sam may not have had the best childhood, but Dean had saved him from the hell that he survived daily. Sam would grow up normal, damn it, and as happy as he could make him. 

After Sam had graduated college, found himself a beautiful and kind-hearted girl, and gotten a good job, Dean felt as though his life had ended in some way. He had existed solely to protect and encourage Sam, and now Sam didn't need him anymore. Dean was happy for Sam, but now he had no purpose. He settled into mild depression, and drank too much, but not enough that his friends would accuse him of alcoholism. 

Bobby Singer, the only friend of the family who had stuck around after John's breakdown, had sat Dean down for a talk. "You're headed down a bad road, Dean," he told him bluntly. "Now's your time to turn things around and make your own life. Don't waste your second chance."

With Bobby's help and advice, Dean had started his own business. It kept him busy enough to keep the depression at bay. He still felt empty, though. His life consisted of long hours working, then coming home to watch TV and fall into bed. Sometimes when he woke up in the morning, he counted the hours until he could go to sleep again. No one else knew; Dean could put on a good show for his friends and co-workers. 

The night he'd met Cas at the bookstore, Dean had just been searching for a reason not to go home. Castiel had been like a gift from heaven. Dean loved talking to Cas; they had real conversations, not just small talk, about things that mattered. And Cas listened to him like no one ever had before, his blue eyes intent, like he was the most important person in the world. 

Dean didn't know all of Cas's story yet, but he sensed the fear and anxiety beneath the surface, and it broke his heart. He wanted to be someone steady and sure for Castiel; someone who could be counted on. He wanted to be a better man, so he could be worthy of him. 

When Dean used to think of the future, he felt coldness and dread. There was nothing ahead of him but more of the same. Now there was Castiel, and Dean had hope again. 

 

Before there was emptiness, and now there was love. Things were definitely different now.


End file.
